Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
