Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
