Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
