just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
