just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize