if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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