Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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