On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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