She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
