That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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