Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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