There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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