Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
