happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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