What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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