I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
