walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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