he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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