I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's the barista slut.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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