her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
