I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
