I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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