I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
