We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
