i permit you to call me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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