my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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