Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
