i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize