Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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