I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I cockslap morals
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
