shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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