So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
40s are totally the cure
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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