I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
