She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
