was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
