I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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