i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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