pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
