im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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