i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
