Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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