I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
