remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
