I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
