i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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