The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
