I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
did you just send me my own nude
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
