I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
