he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize