So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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