thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
