I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
