I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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