I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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