My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
