Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
