Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
