Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
