i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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