If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
