party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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