So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
