Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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